I take buspirone hydrochloride, or Buspar, for anxiety. In the past, I used to self-treat my anxiety with a friend’s Klonopin prescription. I did this for many years, having never talked to a health care professional about anxiety because I either didn’t have health insurance or was unsure of how to navigate the health care system to get proper help. So, I self treated.
Finally, a couple years ago I talked to my primary care physician and was prescribed lorazepam to treat occurrences of anxiety. I’m disclosing all this because I want to normalize seeking help for anxiety and depression. I mention depression because, although I’m not diagnosed as clinically depressed, I do recognize that I have some moments of depression in which thoughts of self harm surface and linger.
My friends, families, and colleagues are generally surprised when I tell them about my anxiety because I seem so confident to them. This supposed confidence is definitely a facade, one that weakens under the pressure of unfamiliar or uncontrollable situations. Many people probably feel helpless in similar situations, but it got to a point where I limited social interactions or avoided them altogether. But medication is helping.
I spent most of the past year working from home during the COVID-19 pandemic. At first, the situation was quite ideal. During this time, I wasn’t on any anti-anxiety regimen, so the thought of very limited social engagements was immensely appealing. And for a while, working remotely suited me nicely: I was home with my partner and cats all day, I could take a bath during my workday, and I could play in my garden when I wanted to. But eventually, I grew increasingly unsatisfied with my job. My job, by the way, was social media management. It was easy and sometimes fun, but my bosses didn’t appreciate nor recognize my skill and expertise. I hated my job so much that I’d rather risk getting COVID than continue feeling unvalued.
So I found a new job as an essential worker in health care. During this transition, I talked to a psychiatrist for the first time, who prescribed me Buspar and propanolol. The psychiatrist said that Buspar’s effects were very subtle and that I might not notice a difference, which was true. It wasn’t until two months later when I ran out of my Buspar that I realized how it helped me confront and overcome my anxieties. With Buspar, I looked forward to working with and meeting people. And today I thrive on these social interactions, especially when I work at the COVID vaccination clinics in which I talk to at least a hundred people a day. The vaccination clinics are the center of hope and optimism and I’m so happy to be involved in this global turning point.
While I can’t say that Buspar is helping me thrive in this new environment, what I can say is that I’ve never before looked forward to engaging with so many people everyday, most of whom are strangers. And I’ve never felt so at ease doing this. Before my new job and before Buspar, I often found myself awake in the middle of the night, with thoughts racing and unable to fall back to sleep. This doesn’t really happen anymore. Although I still have moments of anxiety and avoidance, they’re no longer heart-poundingly intense. Obviously, my previous job was a source of anxiety and I can only wonder if Buspar would’ve helped me back then. But then again, I still wouldn’t want to remain in a job that didn’t value my worth.
Maybe medication isn’t the solution for everyone who feels anxious or depressed. Perhaps therapy might help. But the key is to get help from someone. Health insurance seems like a luxury, one that many people pay for but don’t use. If you have health insurance, use it! Call the number or visit the website on the back of your insurance card. If you don’t have health insurance because you’re un(der)employed, get Medicaid or visit healthcare.gov to enroll in the marketplace (open through May 15). Find someone to talk to. Don’t carry the burden of anxiety or depression alone.
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